Unfortunately, we cannot change people. It is a sad reality that comes with grief and loss, but in the long term, it is liberating.1 We often want to seek control in our lives, and changing other people could be an effect on this need to control.1 Not seeking to change another person is also respectful because we would not want someone to change us, just as others would not someone to change them. Just like us, others want to be loved and appreciated for who they are, and sometimes we cannot give them that because we are incompatible in some capacity.
Even the most vile and horrendous people on this earth still want to be appreciated and loved for who they are, even if it would be natural not to want to interact with these people. At the end the only thing we can control is our own behaviour and let others be who they are. Unfortunately, sometimes that means letting that person go or letting the distant grow. As painful as that can be it is often the right decision long term.
1. People Have to Want to Change
Often people do not see anything wrong with their views, beliefs or actions even if you see them as wrong. Changing one’s actions and/or beliefs is hard work which requires internal motivation and introspection.2 As a result, you cannot force or convince someone to take on the hard work of changing their own behaviour and beliefs when they lack motivation to change them in the first place.
2. It will Negatively Affect Your Relationship
Pressuring or trying to convince someone to change will put a strain on your relationship with them because they will not see the need to change.2 If they did see the need to change, they would have already taken the steps to do so.
Authentic relationships are also built on trust, understanding and acceptance.1 Trying to change someone undermines these core values and can make people feel unsafe and undervalued for who they are.1
3. It Is Disrespectful and Manipulative
Even if our intentions are honourable, trying to change people is disrespectful to their personal autonomy.1 Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you look at it, we have the democratic right to make poor choices. It can be frustrating and tempting to try and change a person, especially when you see them making mistakes. However, just as we want others to respect and accept us for our beliefs, others feel the same way.1
Trying to change people to conform to our views and beliefs is also form of manipulation.2 Telling people that they need to change and pressuring them to change in a specific way is often used as an abuse tactic even if intentions are well meaning.2 Truly helping someone means waiting for them to come to you for help and guiding them to finding the answers or help they need themselves.
Conclusion
It can be easy to blame other people for not changing their beliefs or behaviour to what we want.3 If this is the case, the best way to minimize this form of suffering is to accept who they are and move on with healing if needed.3 Sometimes moving on from that person is the best course of action for everyone involved because it is respectful of them and their autonomy and may keep your relationship with them positive.
However, this does not mean you need to accept their incompatible beliefs and hurtful actions, especially if they are emotionally immature. You do have the option to remove that relationship or distant yourself from that person if needed. You also have the option to offer guidance and help if they ask for it or express the desire to change.1 Only you can decide which options are best for you and the person you instinctively want to change.
About the Author Madison Mussio
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References
[1] Carlson, L. (2023, July 24). You Can’t Change Others: Letting People Be. MyWellbeing. https://mywellbeing.com/therapy-101/letting-people-be
[2] Ethans, L. (2024, June 3). Psychology Explains 5 reasons you can’t make someone change. Power of Positivity: Positive Thinking & Attitude. https://www.powerofpositivity.com/cant-make-others-change/
[3] Rev, N. C. L. (2016, March 23). A way to look inward for answers, without turning on yourself. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-a-monkey-to-tea/201603/you-cant-change-someone-else-but-you-can-do-this