Tag: Friend

The Failure of Our Dreams

The Failure of Our Dreams May Not Be Bad After All

For the last twenty years, one of my friend’s dreams was to move to Vancouver, Canada, from Europe and live there for the rest of her life. She loves skiing, hiking, and nature and wants a successful journalism career. Over the last year since she moved to Vancouver, she worked multiple jobs to afford a room with a landlord who actively hated her and tried to get her to pay for their repairs. It was not until her visa was expiring that she found a job in her field of journalism, only to become heartbroken when they refused to sponsor her to allow her to stay. The job itself had long hours and was not worth it, according to her. Her dream of living in Vancouver and enjoying all the nature it had to offer slowly disappeared as time passed. By the end, she knew Vancouver was not worth it anymore and decided to return to Europe. 

Her story reminds me how common it is for our dreams to fail, especially due to factors outside of our control. We as a society seem to obsess over the dreams that others succeed in, using them to fuel our own aspirations while ignoring the dreams that people fail. We think that other people’s failures could never be our own. This bias is often referred to as succession bias. 

Psychology Terms: Just-World Fallacy and Fundamental Attribution Error

Two other psychological terms fit this type of thinking and perspective: the just-world fallacy and the fundamental attribution error. The just-world fallacy is a bias we may have regarding people getting what they deserve based on whether they are “good” or not. We may believe that good people will eventually be rewarded while bad people will eventually be punished. I think this term can be attributed to us chasing our dreams. I believe it is common to have the bias that “as long as I work hard and I am a good person, I will be able to achieve my dreams” and assume those who did not succeed before us did not warrant a successful result. 

This brings me to the next psychology term related to this type of thinking, the fundamental attribution error. The fundamental attribution error is a bias where we overemphasize someone’s actions resulting from their personality and underemphasize their actions in correlation to outside circumstances. Applying this to our dreams, we could believe that people who failed did not try hard enough while ignoring how difficult it is for outsiders to gain the skills or respect to succeed. This could even be switched, and we could assume that success comes to those who work the hardest while ignoring factors like community and financial support or the lack of difficulties in their personal lives. 

Friends’s Failed Dreams

It could be inferred that my friend, like many people, thought that as long as you try hard and have a positive mindset, you can achieve your dreams. However, she discovered a different reality in Vancouver. She was held back by the expensiveness of Vancouver and how difficult it can be to find a well-paying job in your field as a new immigrant without family support. Without a doubt, she worked as hard as she could to make life in Vancouver work for her. However, she cannot change the fact that her job would not sponsor her, and she cannot change the fact that Vancouver is expensive. These circumstances were beyond what hard work and a positive mindset could change regardless of the person. This, to me, is the fruition of the fundamental attribution error and the just-world fallacy. 

With this in mind, I bring up the alternative if we never chase our dreams. I have another friend who dedicated six years to a study field he loved. His dream was to be a university professor, a competitive field that required him to spend another five to six years getting a PhD. Before he embarked on his dream six years ago, he was a high school teacher on the other side of the continent, dreaming of helping higher academic studies in the scholarly field he loved. This past spring, after six years of pursuing his dream, he realized that being a professor was not his dream anymore. For years, he watched as his professors had mental breakdowns, brought up all the issues of the field, complained about colleagues and had little to no time for their own families. He did not want that life for himself in ten years. Like my other friend, he was devastated that he was no longer motivated to fight for his dream anymore. Just like her, he had dreamed and worked hard only to end up not fulfilling the goal he had dedicated and chased for years. 

Hearing his devastation at his failure, I offered a new viewpoint, which I also offered to her. Even if it did not work out in the end, it was better to have tried your hardest to achieve your dreams than continue to be in your unfulfilling job, wondering “what if” for the rest of your life. They both agreed with me, stating that they would have regretted not taking the risk despite it not working out in the end. 

My Own Story of Failure

This brings me to my own story of failure. For as long as I can remember, it was a dream of mine to live in London, England. It was my favourite city, and I eventually lived there for two years. I had the opportunity to live there for another two years, but I declined for two main reasons. The first reason was that London was not an easy city socially or economically to live in. It was hard to make friends, and the costs outweighed the benefits I was getting back. I had a friend in London once say that everyone in London is mildly depressed and grumpy as a result, and I could not agree more. The second reason was that I wanted something different out of life than what London had to offer. Once I had achieved my dream of living in London, I could focus on other interests and goals and discovered that I love nature, a calm atmosphere, and close friends. These three things were hard to find in London, so I left for Barcelona, Spain and eventually ended up back in Vancouver, Canada, where I found these three things I craved and more. 

I bring up my failed dream because we may not realize that chasing and even temporarily achieving our dreams opens us up to discover new dreams. My friend discovered that she wanted to focus on her career in journalism rather than the availability of skiing and nature. My other friend discovered he enjoyed a new field of study but wanted to be a professional rather than a professor. For myself, as you know, I discovered attributes in a city I wanted that London did not offer. It can be easy to dwell on the failure of our dreams without looking at the new dreams and experiences we gained as a result. I cannot ignore that for us three, these failed dreams are attributed to us growing as people and expanding our repertoire of lived experiences that we can apply to our lives in the future. I think it is important to note that even if we fail our dreams, it is better to chase them and fail than to wonder all your life what could have been. 

About the Author Madison Mussio

Feel Free to Connect with Madison on / Instagram / Linkedin / Facebook /

My Best Friend Blocked Me And The Lessons It Taught Me 

“She was my best friend, but I was probably not hers.“

Last year, my best friend of two years blocked me out of the blue. This was after months of her ignoring my message asking if she was okay and what was wrong. She was going through her third separation from her husband, and I assumed she needed space. This separation seemed permanent this time because she had moved in with him and then broken a lease to end her relationship again a few months later.

She was what I always wanted in a best friend. We connected on our shared beliefs about how fascinating the world is, how everything is connected, and how society is warped by pride and selfishness. We talked and bonded for hours over similar childhoods, regrets, and loneliness. 

I met her near the tail end of my seven-year-long relationship with the one I thought I would spend my life with. I met her after she had been separated for the second, and according to her, final time with her husband. Meeting each other at that time helped us bond over our growing self-respect and helped us cement what we wanted out of life and our partners. She was my best friend; I loved her with all my heart and wanted the best for her. Yet, looking back, I did not know what a good friendship entailed. That was my first mistake.

Growing up, I had few stable and meaningful relationships. I was the outsider wandering from friend group to friend group, exploring different people’s backgrounds and ideas. I found this more fascinating than talking to a set group of people about pop culture, politics, celebrity news or video games. Not that those are bad topics, but they are not for me. I always favored conversations about a person’s views on culture and society or their version of the meaning of life. I soon discovered that most children, teens, and young adults are indifferent to these topics. This is where my best friend differed; she loved these topics as much as I did, and I clung to her. That was my second mistake.

I wanted close friends, but they were few and far between. I developed the belief that I had to over-give to get love back. I did this to anyone that I liked and felt a connection with. I would drive them anywhere they wanted with whoever they wanted. I would buy them drinks, meals and tickets. I would plan day trips without reciprocation. I would drop everything to help them if they were struggling. I did all this with love even though it was exhausting because I was happy to have someone willing to be around me.

This dynamic also manifested in other unfavourable ways. I would ignore poor behaviour because I was eager to have company and a good friend. I would accommodate friends who cancelled on me at the last minute to hang out with others. I was the “therapist” friend who let others talk for hours without them asking anything about my life for weeks. I would plan hangouts only for them to add their friends and become the third wheel in a day I had planned. I would have people invite me to hang out and then tell me that they expected me to pay for them. It would take weeks for friends to message me back, and then they would pop up again and ask for a favor, and I would do it. The issue was that I would do it all with a smile because I cared about them, and I thought that was how you show love. I had always been a good friend to people who had abused my kindness because I cared and loved them.

Going back to my best friend, she would often cancel on me at the last minute. She sometimes stopped responding for weeks only to pop up to ask for a favor. She often cut our hangouts to less than an hour because she had other people to see and other things to do. It was common for her to only talk about herself and rarely ask about me. I had to plan the outings, and I always had to go where it was convenient for her. She was my best friend, but I was probably not hers. Near the end of our friendship, she pulled away and stopped answering my texts until weeks later. To this day, I do not know why she pulled away and then blocked me, but I have my suspicions.

I think back to our last conversation about how she was ending her relationship with her husband for the third time. For months, she was upset about how her husband was not interested in getting to know the “new her”. But, that week, he offered to get to know the “new her” by taking her on a first date again. I excitedly told her that was an improvement, and she should take him up on the offer, but she did not seem pleased with my response. She said she had given him time to do that before, but now it was too late. I told her to give him a chance one last time, as he was now trying to get to know the “new her” for the first time. She seemed displeased with this answer as well. I believe she wanted me to have the same point of view, which I was now denying her.

It may have been a mistake, but I told her I was finally happy after she had told me about her impending separation. I had a new loving boyfriend and great new friends. I had also started exploring the surrounding areas, which I had always wanted to do. I told her this because we had spent years hyping each other to build our dream life with the people we wanted. I thought I had finally done what we had discussed for years, but this was probably my insensitive mistake. Maybe she felt invalidated; maybe she did not like that my life was getting happier while hers was getting worse. I do not know, nor will I ever know, because that would be the last time we would speak. She cut our hangout to under an hour because she was not feeling well. I texted her a day later, asking how she was, and she never responded again.

My best friend ghosting me was devastating. I may have faults like everyone, but I had always prided myself on being an over-giving, accommodating, and loving friend. It angered me to know that this was insufficient to warrant a conversation about what I was doing that upset her or why she needed to end our friendship. 

Her leaving ended my over-giving and tolerance of hurtful and disrespectful behavior. It also prompted me to examine other unfavorable friendship dynamics. If friends were going to leave regardless of what I gave them to my detriment, I might as well respect myself and have good, loving friends back. This meant some other friends had to go too.

I quickly noticed that I was almost always the first to message friends and plan fun hangouts and activities as I did with my best friend. It kept me exhausted and made me feel like, without my effort, the friendships would die. I stopped being the first to initiate conversations and hangouts with two good friends and waited for them to text first for once. Those friendships have now fizzled out because they never texted me back first. That was a painful lesson, but it is a lesson I am grateful to know now.   

I also realized that another good friend only messaged me when they needed a ride and someone to keep them company while they did errands. I would plan day trips and activities for us, but they would save their plans and day trips for other friends. I ended that friendship formally. Within days, they bad-mouthed me to acquaintances who no longer invited me to hangouts. It was upsetting knowing that someone that I cared for would lash out like that to hurt me and my relationships with other people.

I was heartbroken because in six months, not only had I lost my best friend, but I had lost three close friends. It made me realize that friends will come and go, and nothing is wrong with that. Maybe they did not feel as connected to me anymore. Maybe we grew apart, and I was clinging onto them. Maybe they were pulling away and building friendships with other people, and I did not notice. Whatever their reasons are for no longer wanting to be friends, I would no longer be a doormat who over-gave to those I loved. I felt free. 

Removing my old close friends opened me up to the possibility of new friends. In less than a year, I have made two new close friends. With these two new friends, the friendships feel equal; we mutually care and ask about each other and take turns planning hangouts. It has been great. Even though the friendships are newer, I feel less exhausted compared to my old friends. I now have the friends I have always wanted and who I love being with because I am no longer putting up with poor behavior in the name of love.

About the Author Madison Mussio

Feel Free to Connect with Madison on / Instagram / Linkedin / Facebook /